You never keep it as 100% real with yourself than as you do when you feel like you're about to die. So much left unsaid... So much you wish you would have done... So many regrets and what if's and I wonders it's crazy.. It's crazy how much I want to put out on this mind splurge simply because of how I feel right now.. I said in one of my previous mind splurges (Mind Splurge Episode 5) that, "All I do is think about and focus on the future because im afraid that if I stop dreaming i'll die. Like literally die. I feel that if I can't see myself in the future then there is no future for me." , well lately I havent been seeing my future clearly at all, and when I think about it, (in the past), when I did see my future I never saw myself as an old man. Not even a 30 year old man, I don't even wonder how my life will be when I get older and i'm starting to feel that the reason why that void is there is because maybe, subconsciously, I feel that I won't live to see those days.. It seems that these past few months I've been living my life on auto pilot, even when I try to focus on something, I can't really grasp or feel it. Like im a ghost, or a shell of a real person. A living phantom. I often feel that when im alone, im really alone, like no one exists in this world but me, or that everyone exists in this world but me. Do you know how lonely it feels to not feel anything? For nothing to have any effect on you whatsoever? It often feels that my only feeling is not feeling anything at all... To everyone reading this... Imagine nothing I mean absolutely NOTHING!! It's impossible right? No color, no sound, no feeling, no love, no hate, no fear, NOTHING. For the past few weeks that's how I've been feeling and it's been scaring the hell out of me during those moments when I finally realize what's going on and im not in that haze but whenever I think about doing something about it, I just flow right back in, unaffected by my efforts.. Worst feeling in the world? Feeling nothing at all...
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